CASSIE CORMIER

i am wondering why it’s hard for me to feel positive and happy when it’s the holidays. I was doing alright till my brother made fun of my weight. I am so beyond envious of my brother because he has his whole life figured out and he’s only 20 and he’s in perfect shape. Here I am 24 years old I have a job that doesn’t pay me that will end soon, I am not happy about my weight, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I feel like I was always the one with the shitty aspects. I have always had a low self esteem and depression and no matter how hard I try to feel better there is always something there to remind me of my faults and I feel worse. My brother was not always the perfect child but I feel like he is better than me in a lot of ways and it’s hard to be around him. I hate to say that it’s hard to be around my own brother but it really is emotionally straining I constantly compare myself to him even when I try not to. I feel bad cause I’m upstairs while my parents are downstairs with my brother but honestly I don’t want to ruin their happiness cause I’m kinda upset and tired. I talked with my boyfriend earlier about my brother and he couldn’t help me cause every time he tries to it doesn’t work…it’s true I am very stubborn because I know right now I am not happy because of the way my life is going and it can’t change over night and it will take a long time for me to get back to where I want to be and it is killing me. I can’t even enjoy haing a drink when I feel slightly down..I am faced with my issues every day and I hate it but I try to write about it to feel better. Cause I know in reality who the fuck would want to hear this? No one, maybe someone out there but it’s whatever I’m just cranky right now.

i graduated with a graphic design degree and my portfolio is barely completed and I have no desire to add to it. I have a website I haven’t updated in forever and I don’t care. I have lost my desire to work in that field even though I haven’t ever worked in it I can’t stand preparing for it. I figure if the preparation is hell imagine the job. So what the fuck do I do? I am in an internship now that doesn’t pay me and if I do get a job in there it will most likely be 2 days a week. I could go back to school and get a masters in art education but part of me says why go back through hell again? Is it really worth it? Choosing a major that I don’t really like again? I also thought about doing a bullshit job so my parents will shut up and everyone else will and I’ll be miserable. I hate doing jobs that I can’t stand for money, I might as well jump off a cliff…jk but that’s kinda how terrible I feel. I wish that I had the motivation of a normal human being and do shit that I hate and get rewarded in the end but I don’t right now. I am also tired of hearing people say the same shit to me over and over that I need a job that pays, I’m thinking no fuckin way….really? I’m not stupid. I have an internship, be happy that I’m doing something with my life and I like it. I also hate how it’s so hard to find any job right now, it’s depressing. I know I have a shitty attitude but how the fuck does anyone expect me to be happy right now? My internship ends soon and I have no idea what I’m gonna do with my life and I feel like why work a job you hate when you have a whole life to live. I’m so miserable I don’t feel confident anymore but I’m going to try it’s just hard.

Today I was at work and i was in the art studio and i didn’t hear the usual music that comes on in the morning. Usually its kids music that is very happy and upbeat.. helps me start my day. But today it was 50s music….I love the 50s but damn why today it just put me through a slump for the whole day. I guess its because I’m used to a routine, I get art supplies ready, make projects, clean mess, and listen to children play all day, listen to happy music. Today the screaming of children overpowered the music and the art studio was a disaster, I had to clean up alot today but I am used to it, today it was extremely hot from the sunroof so I was sweating bullets. I even put on mens deodorant to make myself not sweat profusely and smell like BO. At lunch I ate by myself, which really sucked. I cut my break short just to make the time go by faster. And when the day ended I waited for the bus, came home, and slept on the couch until my bf got home. Then we went to his dads for dinner and I am here alone and feeling funny, I hope tomorrow is a better day.

This is such a great example of why u should nebver abuse drugs LOL

I felt like I really need to start writing again I am going through a very rough time in my life where I feel like my life is literally falling apart. I look in the mirror and don’t completely like the person staring back at me, i am a mess emotionally, I am alone, I cant function living when I am not doing work which it used to be the other way around. Now I feel like design is the only thing that takes everything off my mind but its so temporary. When it comes to thinking about my future and my life now as a whole I am scared i feel so alone in so many ways. I am so sad I have cried so many tears, I feel like I am in the pit again I have so much pain inside of me I am trying to get it out. Sometimes i try to ask god for help and hes not there, even though I dont believe I wish everything could be ok. I feel like I’m helpless right now I don’t want to do anything im laying in a room that hasnt been cleaned for weeks and i’m so tired and so weak that I feel like doing nothing but the things I have to do, its like I dropped out of the world and stopped caring but i do care i dont want to feel this way anymore, I am having my selfdoubts again and im starting to think people are ignoring me even when they arent, i think of all these things I thought of before I was medicated for depression, I am planing to get help for those people who read this…This is helping me get my feelings out, I feel lke I need to write as much as possible.

I had to write about today because I am very upset about what this guy said to me tonight. After an NA meeting I went to go out to eat with my friends whom I haven’t seen in ages, to celebrate someone’s anniversary. I was talking to one of my friends about school, he said i was one of the only addicts who survived,I told him my friends couldn’t believe I was sober. Then this guy Micheal, who I never liked in the first place says to me “your not sober, remember we talked about this earlier.” At first I thought this was a joke then afterwards I realized he said this seriously.. I am so livid I never said anything back. I came home crying because I have worked so fucking hard to get 2 damn years and a few months clean, how fucking dare he say that. I have never been so upset in awhile I cant even remember the last time I cried than today. How could someone be so cold from seeing me start from nothing to now and tell me I’m not sober, fuck that. I know that I didn’t get the sponsor or done service work but what I did was went to meetings everyday and that was all i needed to get through I did have sponsors but they were short term, I never liked step work, but I figured out things in life as I moved along. That way of getting sober may not work for everyone but it worked for me. I sit and listen to people who are new give them a chance to speak, then I try to get something out of it. I had to get this out because it stops tears, I have trouble standing up for myself and writing has always been the solution. I wish I did tonight, it does remind me of why I didn’t go to meetings anymore is because people say very offensive shit to me about the way I handle my sobriety and I do not appreciate it. If you want to change you have to want it.

just so yall know ya… its short and im lovin it

Its been awhile sence i wrote,  summer so far has been good. I work at a dog daycare and pick up poop and chill with my dogs all day haha! it sjust like a new family. So i am still going out with my wonderful boyfriend who just visited me by suprise :) which was extreemly sweet. Him and i went to new york recently for my 21st b day. We stayed at the w hotel it was fuckin kick ass i felt like queen of new york. I had dinner t=at the hotel and i had a castle of sea food everyone was staring at me it was like a wedding cake but plates of seafood. ill put a pic on here sometime lol its the shit i was so full! I was terrified of the crawfish tho… those mothers are fuckin scurrrrrrry! then We went to a play called cirque dreams jungle fantasy it was amazing. All of the show was pretty much like a circus but brodway and ten times better. Then the next day we had breakfast EGGS BENEDICT fuck ya! Then we went to central park and went on a bike tour which was a buggy thing, after that we went to the guginheim omg so cool. It was my first time at the guginheim and i was so excited i had alot of fun. Then we were so wiped out we went to the hotel and chilled for 2 seconds and i had to buy a nice top because we were planning to go to a club. Luckily my boyfriend made reservations at club one which costed 200 dollars GOOD LORD! but damn i felt special. We had an amazing dinner there… but the downfall was he was so drunk he tipped over the table twice along with the pitcher of martinis because he was drinking for the both of us like the entire day! then he got kicked out then he came back in.. i got furious at him because he was being an asshole befor he got kicked out.. i was so embarressed he even humped me while i was dancing i was like DUDE WTFFFFFFF? so i saw the bouncer giving the cut throat look and im like dude im so taking him home because shit my boy was standing at the bar the whole time hitting on people he didnt know and dancing like an idiot and smelling girls hair. So we went back to the hotel he kissed my neck and was like we are gonna have a blast tonight and im like yea….. no and he passed the fuck out! hahah! so the next day he puked and he said he was sorry about last night but it was all good cause shit i was in the same shoes as him i know what its like but damn…..that was bad but eh. So we chilled for the rest of the day after i bought this amazing fake prada purse woohoo! and we watched what happends in vegas which was good. Then i fell asleep and then we went on the bus and i passed the fuck out then he kept trying to put tape over my mouth and started poking and annoying me im like dude wtf?/? but we eventually got home and that was that.